the argument
Photo artwork by a capillary hint of red.

Part of the reality of being alive and on this planet with other human beings is that sometimes we argue. It happens to everyone and the most common reactions are fight, flight, or freeze. However, none of these actually helps to resolve the argument. So what can you do instead? Well, here are 4 simple steps you can take the next time you find yourself smack dab in the middle of an argument:

Simple Step #1 Pause

Often times we rush, rush, rush to resolve a conflict even when there are heightened emotions and hurt feelings. We just aren’t comfortable with the messiness of our feelings and conflict in general. But, simply taking a break – even a 10 minute one –can help you to begin to feel more empowered and less upset because you are giving yourself space to reflect and process.

Simple Step #2 Consider

Next, consider your options. In the face of conflict, we tend to see only the extreme options – like I either stay married or I get a divorce. The truth is we have an unlimited amount of options and one of the most powerful things you can do is to take the time to consider what they are. Put everything aside for a moment. Leave out what you think others want you to do or what a “good” person would do and make a list of all your options. Include everything from the blatantly obvious to the outrageously ridiculous because this is about moving out of the rigid space of “I have to” into the liberating space of “I choose to!”

Simple Step #3 Choose

We all decide what to say and do. Period. No matter how pressured you feel to do what somebody else wants you to do, you always get to decide your path of action. Of course, there are consequences. But, that doesn’t take away your right to choose. Considering all of the options you just came up with, which one are you most inspired to follow through with? Is it in alignment with your values? And will it bring you closer to your desired outcome? Once you’ve answered these questions, decide what you are willing to commit to do next.

Simple Step #4 Move

Now, it is time to put your plan into action! You’ve thought about it, considered your options, made a powerful decision for yourself, and now you get to follow through.

Once you’ve gone through this process on your own, go through it again with the other person. Ask to consider your options together. Share your point of view and listen to the other person’s point of view as well. Remember that the calmer you are, the more likely you are to find a workable solution. If it escalates into an argument again, simply start the process over by taking another break. I know this is challenging work. Yet, it’s so much better to have a plan and to go through the process – no matter how many times – rather than losing the relationship entirely. So I encourage you to practice because the more you pause, consider, choose, and move, the better you can become at transforming arguments into opportunities to connect and grow together. Plus, the happier you can be!

Contributed by Coach Cassandra Rae, Teen & Family Coach